Archive for the 'cocaine' Category
Chemical Love
Author: kolI used to be a cocaine addict. Years later, a friend who had never even come close to flirting with addiction asked me Why? I thought for a moment, trying to come up with an experience that we might have in common that would help him to understand. And then it came to me.
“Remember,” I said, “what it felt like to be with your first love when you were a kid? Now, imagine you are sharing the hot delight of a kiss at the top of a mountain pass on a gold and blue summer’s day with the world spread out below you. That’s what my first hit of coke felt like.”
I spent the next five years consuming a lot of coke in a futile effort to replicate that sensation.
Almost two years ago, I got another kick at the can (first love, not cocaine) when a weird internet/work coincidence brought my first boyfriend and I together after a 25 year gap. I walked around in a pleasure-filled daze. The only moments in my day that felt real were the ones I spent with him. All other moments were spent thinking about him. During that time I had so many endorphins flooding my system that I went through a major operation and didn’t require follow-up pain killers. I existed in a perpetual ecstasy. Within a few months of reconnecting we married. It was difficult to tear ourselves out of bed to go to work. We didn’t want to see anyone else. We couldn’t stop touching each other.
I’m old enough to have fallen in love a couple of times. I knew this feeling, albeit not as strongly. I knew that it was an internal chemical high that would eventually dissipate. I decided to savour it and relaxed into it. Somewhere around the nine-month mark, it began to fade. Being together was pleasurable, but no longer super-charged. I felt the outside world again. And I realized how lucky we were to have re-experienced the insane joy of teenaged love. It had allowed us to make a lot of tough decisions (career changes, city moves, home purchase, MARRIAGE) with happy ease. Two cranky middle-aged people had created a life together without any of the stubbornness and vitriol that had previously prevented us making a commitment.
I’d just like to thank evolution for the chemical love rush and now look forward to enjoying the next, slower stage of love.
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